He Creeps Me Out, But He Might Be a Genius

Litigation Value: likely to skyrocket with Robert California’s new sex-fueled approach to paper sales.

The word around The Office is that James Spader will be returning next season as Robert California, a character Paul Lieberstein (a.k.a. Toby) has described as “this uber-salesman that has a power to convince and manipulate like a high-class weirdo Jedi warrior.”  It appears he’ll be hired as the new manager only to take over the Company and become its new CEO in the blink of an eye. As a fan of Spader and his quirky role on Boston Legal, this blogger could not be more excited about this casting development.

When we last saw Robert on the season finale, he had some unusual advice for the sales team. “There is no such thing as a ‘product.’ There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I’m telling you is a universal truth.” As my fellow blogger, Matt Rita, pointed out in his recent post, this certainly does not bode well for the Company’s litigation costs. I am sure Robert will give us plenty of material for this blog. To return the favor, here is my advice (or universal truths) to Robert on dealing with the gang at Dunder Mifflin Sabre.

1.  If you make a cheesey pita in the kitchen, be sure to keep an eye on it at all times. This will help to avoid unwanted nicknames as well as surprise visits from the fire department.

2.  Never ever allow Dwight to assist in choosing the new health plan. Otherwise, Jim’s Count Choculitis may flare up again.

3.  Do not allow Meredith to drive her co-workers anywhere. Also, that liquid in her styrofoam cup — that’s not Sprite.

4.  If you are missing any items from your work space, check the vending machines or your desk for a Jello mold.

5.  Keep in mind that Diwali is not a Hindu version of Halloween. Furthermore, it is certainly not appropriate for your date to attend while dressed as a cheerleader.

6.  Do not talk to or flirt with Stanley’s daughter unless you want to have one of the most frightening experiences of your life.

7.  Make sure Creed actually does double-check the watermarks on the paper products.  Failure to do so may result in the watermark image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse.

8.  If you invite Pam to a lunch meeting, keep in mind that she is still banned from Chili’s due to her past behavior during the Dundee Awards Show.

9.  If you invite Phyllis to a lunch meeting, do not allow her husband to join you.  They may never return from the restroom.

10.  If anyone named Jan visits, lock yourself in the nearest available office and do not emerge, even if she calls you “babe” and tries to coax you out with free home-made candles.

Although Robert will likely steamroll over my suggestions, I cannot wait to see what sort of havoc his character is sure to cause.  In the meantime, tell us your thoughts on Spader joining the cast and what you will miss about Jo Bennett (besides her Great Danes).

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