“This Is Why You Don’t Date Co-Workers” — that’s what tonight’s episode of The Office should have been called. In an amazing twist of fate, this may be the only episode of The Office in which Michael Scott is (a) the voice of reason and understanding and (b) does virtually NOTHING offensive. Instead, this episode was all about the perils of intra-office dating.

Andy Bernard, the consummate goofball, almost literally has to twist Michael’s arm to get him to take Andy’s office paramour, Erin, to lunch for Secretary’s Day so Andy can show Erin how much he cares for and appreciates her (not sure why he thinks lunch with Michael shows this, but he does). But Erin’s so completely off-the-wall and mundane lunch ramblings left even Michael struggling to make conversation with her. And in doing so, Michael stumbles into telling Erin about Andy’s former engagement to Angela, which apparently Andy had not gotten around to mentioning to Erin. And for Andy, things went downhill from there.

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This week’s episode was another repeat, and it was just as cringe-worthy as the first time it aired. Doug Hall did a fabulous job covering this episode in first run, so I’ll just use this space to talk about an issue that has been ongoing since the very first episode of the series: the personality clash between Dwight Shrute and Jim Halpert.

In tonight’s show, Dwight, jealous of Jim’s promotion, continues to pursue his Diabolical Plan to get Jim fired (or at least demoted). Although the conflict has since resolved (to the extent the Dwight-Jim war can) by Jim’s returning to the sales staff, it’s still worth talking about. What could Jim, as a manager, do when he encounters an employee like Ryan, who is determined to undermine his authority? Or, worse, like Dwight, who is determined to have him fired?

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Litigation Value: Very Little.  Destination Wedding = $25,000; Niagara Falls Ceremony after Escaping Wedding = $100; Diapering Angela’s Cat = Priceless.

Given that last night consisted of two repeats, two of my colleagues have already done a wonderful job of covering issues raised by the Dunder Mifflin gang’s antics last night. Although last night’s episodes did not give rise to much in the way of litigation value, here’s a rundown of my top 10 things not to do at the office (or anywhere else, for that matter).

1. Offer to stick spicy food (or anything else) into a coworker’s rectum.
2. Discuss a coworker’s nipples. On the other hand, I definitely agree with Michael that no coworkers should be stimulating Pam’s nipples at Dunder Mifflin.
3. Offer to bring a nippleless shirt to the office. Why Meredith has a nippleless anything in the car is a mystery to me. Of course, it may be the newest craze from the JWow collection.
4. Pretend to shoot coworkers, even with your finger. This is particularly true if you intend to simulate gruesome brain splatter.
5. Openly discuss the fact that Stanley has two lovers and you don’t have any.
6. Decide to sleep nude in two coworkers’ bed, even if you are secretly eradicating mold and remodeling their kitchen for free.
7. Announce that a coworker must have needed an “afternoon delight” with his wife.
8. Discuss the relative hotness of a coworker as she stands uncomfortably next to you.
9. Spread a rumor that a coworker has an elephant heart.
10. Negotiate a parenting contract with a former office flame, even if your biological clock is ticking so loudly you awaken to find yourself cradling a gourd on your beet farm.

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